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17 June 2012 @ 02:49 pm
Prometheus  

So... I went and saw Prometheus

the movie on fastforward....



What a shame... Coming into it I genuinely didn't mind if it was horror, scifi, scifihorror or adventure. I did not even care if it acknowledged its prequel status or not.

I just wanted it to be - well something.

It saddens me to say that THOR has more scientific merit than this film... Not only that, but the characters are so flat you could (and probably should) run them through the shredder. I fell straight through some of the gaping plot holes and I'm still not quite sure they had any idea what they were trying to say with this film...

Shall we start from the beginning?

The opening scenes are pretty... loved the spaceship playing with the clouds right up until the point this pale, ex-body builder drank some black stuff (which is NEVER EXPLAINED) and disintegrated into the water where FUNKY FANTASYSCIENCE happens and his dna breaks apart - then starts reforming. In the water. Okay? The suggestion that this in some way caused our existence is beyond ludicrous and I wouldn't even let a C-grade syfy original get away with it. It was right up there with 2012's 'and so the neutrinos are heating the interior of the earth'.  Yes... mass-less objects that by definition can't interact with matter are heating the ALREADY MOLTEN CORE - whatever...

Moving on from that, we skip to archaeologists in Scotland (cool), looking at cave paintings with star formations and a tall dude pointing at them. Okay - cliche but fine. Same symbols all around the world depicted in art. Cliche. Still okay. Aliens telling ancient, clearly de-volved creatures how to phone home? Silly but fine.

Here's the bit I won't pay. 4 years later, we're on a trillion dollar ship headed to the star constellation.

4. years.

Even if the fate of the WORLD depended on it, there's no way that ship blipped into existence and is ALREADY ARRIVING at its destination. Our closest stars are four light years away and we can see them quite happily without a telescope... and there wasn't even any indication that this ship COULD travel at light speed. Seriously scifi writers, the universe is a BIG PLACE. you need to remember that.

Crew of 17. I cry bullshit. Look how many people it takes to fly a tiny spaceshuttle...

Also, we never see most of those 17 - they just - aren't there or vanish or die? I guess? Sometimes they appear in a scene and then are gone again. Continuity is SUPPOSED to pick that sort of thing up.

Whatever.

Loved the robot keeping himself occupied - truly this was a good set of scenes and it actually felt intimidating like the old alien films. Also loved the way he kept trying to impersonate Laurence of Arabia. I wish so hard that they'd followed that thread through - it could have been very epic but NO - aside from his hair colour, that's dropped almost as quickly as it's introduced. SHAME.

People start waking up and we quickly realise that these are the DUMBEST individuals ever to be thrust upon the universe. You could have randomly selected people from earth and come up with a better equipped crew. At no point do you believe that any of these people should be here. You have to give your audience a little bit more credit. We know what kind of training goes into missions these days - even missions where people are probably never going to get to go anywhere. People live in capsules to test how they react to long voyages - billions is spent to work out whether or not people are capable of dealing with the huge task of space travel (to our closest planet...) and - and these are the geniuses that end up on the other side of the galaxy? omfg help.

WHATEVER

They find planet - land RIGHT BESIDE THE ONLY ALIEN STUFF THERE (sure.............) and despite there being only a few hours of daylight left - go to explore.

Pretty sure protocol would forbid that and any kind of professional crew would stay put.

The only cool / smart thing that they do is bring along the 'pups'. They're floating balls that map the area. So cool - but absolutely underused for the entire film. i kept thinking of all the freaky as hell things you could have done with them - mapping giant holes or tunnel networks with things moving in them etc etc but nope. Nothing. useless.

They take their helmets off - because they can. on an alien planet. they deserve to die from the point forward.

The first thing they find is a decapitated body. Now it's been a while since i've seen Alien but i recognise the body of the 'space jokey'. in the original these things were HUGE. FREAKING MASSIVE. they've been scaled down to about 7 feet.

Sorry.

you can't just DO that. this is clearly CLEARLY meant to be the same species/ship/ROOM from the original alien. You cannot just change the proportions. It's fucking canon.YOUR CANON SCOTT.

grrrrrr

The biologist and the geologist RUN AWAY.

WHAT_EVER

Somehow robot knows how to open these doors. Okay - i'll let that fly. The head is on the other side - they bag that. More importantly the room is full of pods that looks suspiciously similar to Alien eggs. And our idiots - who were freaked as fuck before, start wandering about through this suspicious maze of oozing black pods to check out the scenery - which is also melting in a freaky manner. Robot bags a pod (for reasons never EVER explained) and they head back to the ship.

For some reason, nobody is worried by the fact that the 'ologists are still missing.

*shrug*

robot pulls apart pod (like a kid dismantling lego!) and poisons one of the dudes with the black substance (that we saw in the beginning). Why does he do this? eh - because he thinks he's Laurence of Arabia? that's about the only thing i can come up with...

meanwhile, our captain and commander decide to shag rather than keep an eye on missing 'ologists. oh yeah, that's professional.

oh btw, commander lives on a liferaft with a special medical pod built only for a man (and she's a woman). I guess STRAIGHT AWAY that the old dude who paid for this mission will be on board and is her father or grandfather. I didn't guess that they'd hire guy pierce in dreadful makeup to play him.

The alien head turns out to be a mask. they take it off and, despite being 2000 years old they try to trick the human head thingy into thinking it's alive. why? how? huh? black stuff on it then makes it EXPLODE with 2000 year old goo. why? EH just because.

scientists all shrug and take a sample of dna - and OMG IT MATCHES OURS 100%.

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK.

They are 7 feet tall albino body builders. their dna CANNOT BY DEFINITION MATCH OURS because they LOOK DIFFERENT. not to mention the fact that NOBODY HAD IDENTICAL DNA aside from identical twins and 2000 year old pale dude is sure as frak not our identical twin.

d-grade syfy AT BEST.

Oh, but according to creationist (and confused...) scientist lead, this means that they MADE US. there is so much broken with that that it makes idiot dead 'ologists look like candidates for the Nobel prize. That entire thread of hers just made me go !

Instead of staying put our lost friends wander about - find a pile of dead, mutilated aliens (which no one seems to care about?) and end up back in the giant chamber where they PLAY with a freaking worm/snake that looks a lot like a baby facegrabber and then SURPRISE it kills them both. no one notices despite this all being on live feed.

meanwhile... poisoned dude mates and then realises that he feels pretty sick. He - doesn't tell anyone that he feels sick (despite being the moron who had his helmet off on an alien planet) and instead they all head off merrily on a rescue mission and find their colleague dead. no one really cares......

They go back and find dead 'ologists and are like oh...? no panic... no OMG SOMETHING KILLED THEM WITH ACID AND STUFF. clearly something exists on this lifeless world. even with sick dude starts mutating... they're all kind of calm. Then SURPRISE SAND STORM! (which they all should have seen coming) is stupidly used plot device to create some urgency while they lug this zombidude back. Commander (cleverly) refuses to let him on board and he runs into her flame thrower to sacrifice himself.

*BLINK*

In almost the next scene the girl is lying on a med table with robot and he's like 'you're pregnant - with monster'. why did he do this? why does he want this? it doesn't actually serve his ultimate plot. IT MAKES NO SENSE WHAT SO EVER BECAUSE HE IS NEVER SET UP AS EVIL.

She over powers people who come to take her into the hibernation pod and GOES AND HAS EMERGENCY ABORTION PERFORMED ON HER IN THE MED POD GIVING BIRTH TO A SQUID THINGY (despite having no baby bump to speak of). Despite the surgery she can walk... straight back into the room covered in blood where the robot and the old man (which is supposed to be a plot twist) are just like EH person covered in blood. Give her a jacket.

At no point does she mention to ANYONE what just happened. Not once. WTF.

Robot does not seem to care that the monster he went to all the trouble of creating is dead. WTF

Commander never notices that her shiny lifeboat home is ruined. SHE WOULD.

It all gets a bit blurry but Robot finds the alien ship's bridge - which is the exact scene from the first alien film - just SCALED DOWN YOU LOSERS. part of what made that cool in the first film was how freaking huge everything was and how small we are. i hate that it's been re-done like this.

Irritating holographic echoes once again chip in to tell us how to use stuff (worst plot device ever).

The ship is controlled by a flute.

A flute.

How HIGH were they when they wrote this? Pretty fucking I'd wager.

Anyway one of these aliens is still in crystasis. Robot goes back to ship.

At some point a zombie rocks up and starts killing off miscellaneous crew. we're never told why or how - it just happens.

Turns out the whole point of this expedition is so that the old man (dreadfully played) can ask his creators/giant aliens WHY he exists and then ask them to make him immortal - or something like that.

When they all go down to wake this thing up they are predictable torn to shreds by it.

SO LONG STORY SHORT

this planet is a bioweapons installation where aliens create some primative version of the scary things seen in the alien films in order to wipe out us and any other planets they purposely created life on... add to that the presumably peaceful version of this evil species went to all the trouble of teaching primative humans how to reach this weapons installation. because yeah, that makes total sense? after a 2000 year sleep the first thing this woken up alien does is power up his space ship, off to destroy us.

REALLY ODD considering the rest of his crew were killed by the payload. Surely you'd want to address that issue before heading off into space with it.

why they'd go to so much trouble to wipe us out is also never even addressed - or why they had to use such a random method unless they were hoping to use our planet as some breading ground for their new alien species - which would have been cool but I WON"T PAY THAT because i thought of it, not them.

SOOO then they crash their ship into departing alien vessel. everyone not killed then is crushed by it rolling over the ground except for our only surviving lead who runs to the lifeboat to find her mutant baby is now the size of a car (despite having nothing to eat in that air tight capsule) ANDDDDDDD the alien has somehow made if off his crashed ship and come all the way over to the life raft to beat her up. how he got that huge distance/ knew that the life raft was there / cared enough to actually do that instead of taking one of the other ships is UTTERLY BEYOND ME.

He is eaten by mutant baby.

He gives birth to alien queen.

Surviving girl picks up Robot head and flies spare spaceship off into the cosmos to meet ALBINO ALIENS OF DEATH AND ASK THEM WHY THEY"RE MOODY.





The end.

*blink*

1/10 stars for fassbender being hot.

 
 
Feeling...: weirdweird
 
 
 
doylefan22: Merlin - Arthur whoadoylefan22 on June 17th, 2012 08:49 am (UTC)
*scratches head*

Now I'm quite sleepy but I'm pretty certain there's no sense or logic in that 'plot' (and I use the term loosely), at all.

Don't do drugs kids!
mscroft: chaosmscroft on June 17th, 2012 08:55 am (UTC)
it would make an excellent anti-drugs ad. for realz.