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24 April 2010 @ 02:26 pm
So, a long time ago, waaay back when Sanctuary Season 2 was still airing, I was half-dared to do an episode reaction post for, SLEEPERS. Well, about five words into my attempt I realised that my idea of an 'episode reaction' was a hell of a lot more like a spoof re-write of the episode. SO... what follows is part one of a very random, highly unprofessional, entirely useless comment on SLEEPERS. (if you remember the old days of SG1 spoof writes  you'll know what I'm talking about)

ANYWAY, for your enjoyment, I give you my take on SLEEPERS..

So, before we go ANY further, it has to be said:

^^^ Dirtiest joke on Sanctuary - possibly in all of TV history. If you don't get it, you are CLEARLY not old enough and/or broken enough to be reading this entry lol. Continue at own risk. There will be no emergency personnel past this point. ^^^

It goes without saying -
.   .   .

Some Random Male Extra (who will obviously meet a grisly end): "Well, that doesn't look good."

Clearly these characters aren't getting the memo that this is a VAMPIRE episode. There will be blood. It shall be yours. But hey, continue to wander through the dark and approach the (clearly ominous) dead body. Isn't there like, a manual on how to survive horror movies? I'm pretty sure rule one goes something like, "Get the frak back in your car and drive to safety."


Did I get sidetracked in the first line? FAIL - let's try this again...

SRME: "I'm gonna go check it out like the fresh meat that I am. Just - stay here..."
SRME's Wife: "Sure stud, knock yourself out." *pulls out phone and calls lawyer to check on husband's life insurance*

Camera reveals... A DEAD BODY!!!

Judging by the swell of music, it is so totally not dead.

Oh look, it vanished...

SRME: "Oh noooo..."
SRME's Wife: "Yeah - yeah, I think we'll take the ‘death-by-stupid’ insurance as well. How quickly can you organise that?"

Crows take to the air - crowing... SRME gets pre-bite fear as - SNAP - too late. We tried to warn you - the clue was you didn't have a last name.

Audience: "Damn straight - here there be VAMPIRES."
Opening Credits: *roll*

A crime scene.

Will: "We better get our stories straight."
Helen: "What are we this time?"
Will: "FEDS" not - as in, 'happily fed vampires'
Helen: "You'll have to be more specific than that if you want anyone to buy it."
Will: "Narcotics... though, unless we're dealing with junkie teenagers that travel to a drug rehabilitation centre in Mexico where they are turned into Vampires by your ex, I doubt drugs have anything to do with this."
Helen: "Did you just - hang a lantern on a major plot point?"
Will: "What century are you from???"

Body is revealed to be - in pieces... True Blood Style [So - the Sanctuary Drinking Game this week will be - one standard drink per True Blood reference.]

Helen: "Urgh... so very drunk."

And ooooooh... looks like the wife bit the dust too when she went to check on her investment. Shame. There was hope for her right up until she broke rule two - "Always wait until morning to go looking for missing assets."

Will: "There's no tracks around here... just ... footprints."
Audience: "That's because it's a VAMPIRE STORY!"
Helen: "Do you think we could still spin this as a wild animal attack?"
Will: "Well, considering they're not asking questions about the missing dead body I don't see why not. Though, we should probably weave in something about it being, 'drugged up bears' or something to keep with our flimsy canon cover."

SKIP TO CCT FOOTAGE of what looks like a dude with really bad 70's hair organising a drug deal when suddenly he POUNCES on the other dude and - drags him into the boot?

Helen: *gasp* that's the worst hair EVER


Helen: ... ah, there's our dead body replicating more of its kind ...
Will: "Did you get that link I sent you to the really convenient plot promoting video tape??? It's TOTALLY that Chad dude. I am so useful sometimes, you've got to admit."
Helen: "24 years old and still very much alive. He's a trust fund baby on his fourth IV league tour. It appears his shades were stolen from Martin Wood."
Will: "Oh... so we don't have feel guilty when we are forced to kill him for the greater good. Wouldn't it be great if all the other potential victims were the same?"

Will: "But seriously - who walks away from a crash like that..."
Audience: *blinks slowly*
Will: "My bad. oooh look, I has more plot. Roomate - wealthy - I'm sensin' a trend - shall I go look into it? This would, of course, be SO MUCH EASIER with the werewolf's help." Leading question... Leading question...
Helen: *shifty* "He's 'unavailable'..."
Will: "Why - again..."
Helen: "He's on a mission of UPMOST importance. I was sworn to absolute secrecy."
Will: "Waaaaait noooo... COMIC CON? I miss out on my date to go play with vampire squids and THEY get to go to COMIC CON? THAT'S THE MISSION? Where's the Big Guy - HE'S WITH HIM??? Okay great - so, they're fanboys. I'm working with fanboys."

Audience: “Oh please... you are SUCH a fanboy.”
Get out of my office - and stop stealing all the invisible set pieces."
Audience: "Sorry..."
Damien Kindler: "Amanda! Final warning, don't interact with the a
Amanda Tapping: "Sorry..."

CUT TO - a girl who clearly has too much time and money but hey - I like the shoes.

Oooh vampire boy appears.

Girl: "Daren? Are those Elvis's sunglasses?"
Daren: "Don't worry about it - I got them from Chad whose name just happens to rhyme with Vlad."

Soundtrack: *begins to be awesome*

Daren: "Sh..."
Girl: "Chad? You too - the sunnies I mean."

*Draws gun*

Chad: "You can have these as well – just, stand there while I – SHOOT YOU."
Girl: "Okay, this is really freaking me out."
Chad: "Just relax, we're all trendy here."


Daren: "She - uh, shouldn't she like - "
Girl: *revives*


Audience: *downs a shot*
Chad: "Welcome to the - seriously - is that you're real smile? It's freaking me out."

SKIP TO - Will being all plotty and helpful on the computer.

Kate: "Honestly - you think they're terrorists? You're only a step away from wiki-surfing the answer- you realise that, right?"
Will: "Totally should have tried that first. This dodgy Mexican Clinic I found has its own article there declaring its awesomeness."
Helen: "Dr - (a name I'm not even going to attempt to spell though it sounds suspiciously like something to do with ‘boobs’) ? Never heard of him."
Kate: "Of the 'Let's Resurrect Vampires Clinic' - subtle..."
Nikola: "Did you just - mock me?"
Director: "WTF - out of my scene!"
Helen: "House of New Life? Oh well, any excuse to go to the beach."
"Solve the mystery."
Helen: "That's what I said - go to the beach."

Soundtrack: *Is beachy*

Audience: I REMEMBER THIS FROM THE SNEAK PEAK . OMG TESLA FINALLY. Enough plot - we just want to stare in awe.

Helen: *taps plot piece that may or may not be there* "Ahahahaha... Plastic. I'm not the only cheap Victorian."
Will: "Why do I get the feeling a vampire's going to stroll in, flirt endlessly with Magnus and make the fangirls go all SQUEE?"
Helen: "Because there's something a tag dodgy about all of this."
Will: "None of this makes any sense..."

A woman wearing a very short dress that could *almost* pass as a naughty nurse outfit: "Why yes, my hair looks suspiciously like yours... He makes me wear it like that."

Will: *is not thinking about Magnus-Nurse Fantasies. Not at all. Not at all.*
Helen: "Well I AM the daughter of a doctor..."

*at which point I have decided on a suitable icon for this post that may or may not be related to a SHIFTY video that shall not be named in which the line, 'thank you nurse, why don't you ever call?' pops up. You didn't hear it here.*

Helen: "On the contrary - here's my lover now. It all makes PERFECT sense."
Will: "I hate being so smart."

Nikola: "Hola amigos... Don't you just want to JUMP ME?" *flirt*
Helen: *bites lip* "Mmmm... I mean, NO!"
Nikola: "Gottcha..."
Will: "My life is OVER."
Soundtrack: *rises with utter love*

Nikola: *gives tour* "And, right over here we have our friendship (something saucy I couldn't make out) it's a small, intimate space for sharing." *flirt*
Will: *fuck it's going to be a long day*
Helen: "Sharing... intimately... No wait, we didn't come for the tour!"
Nikola: "I notice you seem to be a bit on edge." *flirt* "Might I suggest one of our green tea massages? It will make you feel 100 again..."
Helen: "You are in sooo much shit right now - start talking."
Nikola: "But I don't like the tone of your voice... Why are you people always so ready to think the worst of me?"
Helen&Will: "Shall we count the ways?"

Nikola: "Come on... I'm soooo innocent this time."
Helen: "You expect me to believe that cute smirk?"
Nikola: *shrug* *flirt*
Will: "You fool me not."
Nikola: "Money - wise guy. It's a legit excuse. Right?"
Helen: *slow blink*
Nikola: "Would you believe ... I provide a public service?"
Will: "That's impossible."
Nikola: "Which part of, 'I'm a genius' aren't you getting?"
Helen: "Less ego - more facts."
Nikola: "Alllllllllllright." *to Will* "This may go over your head, so try to play along..."

Helen: "Enough!!!!!"
Nikola: *Flirt*
Helen: "Whatever you've done to these young people, they're disappearing."
Nikola: "Ooooh... curious. Tell me more..."
Will: "There's a whole horror movie plot thing going on here and I have a sneaking suspicion that you're the cause seeing as you're the guest star."
Nikola: "You don't say..."
Helen: "Come on - out with it... I want to hear you say the words........" *flirts in an English accent*
Soundtrack: *is saucy*
Nikola: "... I love you? ..."

Nikola: "Alright... *flirt* I may have *flirt* ... sort of  *flirt* ... turned them into vampires..." *flirt*
Helen: Unbelievable...

Soundtrack: *is awesome while Vampire clan kills more randoms to increase their numbers* WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS SONG?! I WANTS IT. It makes their bitchy – whiny – spoofiness bearable.

Do – do I have to drink every time their TB’ly dark, beady eyes are on screen? *wibbles*


Nikola: “Admittedly last time I tried to take over the world I was a bit hasty with the whole ‘feed them blood and electrocute them’ thing. This time I’m back in style with like, technology and a plan and – why are you all looking at me like you’re about to spray me with a misting bottle like a naughty kitten?”
Helen: “Buuuuuuuuut you’re still trying to take over the world – right? We totally discussed this last time. NO taking over the world.”
Nikola: “I don’t get it – I’m so epic this time.” *cute shrug*
Helen&Will: "Ask yourself, are these happy faces?"

Will: “We’re talking about ancient vampire blood here – it’s not cold medicine.”
Nikola: “Same principle, junior.”
Audience: *ooooooh snap*
Will: *Glower* I’m totally going to stake you while you’re sleeping.
Nikola: “Adding a little extra time their transformation into monstrous vampires who want to take over the world, totally makes all the difference.”
Helen: “Well CLEARLY something went wrong. I'm digging that choosing spoilt, drug addled brats was probably a bad start."
Nikola: “Clearly...”
Helen: “Just how many vampires did you make???”
Nikola: “Oh man... enough to raise a little hell.”


Soundtack: *Just continues to be awesome*

(yes, I'm just going to refer to them as a collective now) OMFG BLOOD AND SEX LET'S GO.
Audience: "Does that count as a True Blood reference???" *downs another shot*
ManVamp: “Wanna taste me?”
Audience: “Eeeeew. .. and no.”
GirlVamp: *licks up his neck*
Audience: *downs another shot at TB reference* “Bastards!”
SmartVamp: “CHAD! You gotta seeee this man.”
Chad: “Seriously – busy... and I'm still mad at you for selling our sun glasses for food.”
SmartVamp: “You have several thousand years to shag – just STOP for a moment and hear me out. Ewww... Anyway, yadda yadda broke into Dr Frankenstein's -”
Nikola: “WTF minion, that is NOT my name.”
Director: “You're not even in this scene!”
Audience: *swooooooooon*
SmartVamp: “Would everyone just HUSH while I plot? Okay -” *holds up print out* “History of Vampires – by Nikola Tesla.”
Audience: “For realz?”
Nikola: “Eternity's a long time. I got bored.”
Director: “Last warning – get the fuck out of my scene.”
Chad: “Is there a point to this?”
SmartVamp: “Long story short, we're meant to rule the earth like we used to.”
Chad: “You mean we had MINIONS??? I want some. Are we immortals?”
Audience: “Because the whole 'shooting and reviving' wasn't a hint to that at all.”
Director: “Everyone needs to HUSH or I start killing off regulars.”
Vamps: *give collective snarl*
Audience: “OMFG CHECK OUT THE SMART VAMP – that is not a scary snarl – he looks like one of those clowns at a fun park where you throw the ball in their mouth.”
Director: “iafljafhadsjf;ldsajf!!!!”


Nikola: “I don't know – I don't get it – I adhered to all the protocols – he shouldn't have a freaky fun-park-clown sneer – have a look for yourself.”
Audience: *swoooooon*
Helen: “And yet that's what we've got - . . .”
Will: *blink* Tesla's 'HelenNurseWaitress' is back...
Nikola: (to the 'HelenNurseWaitress') I totally did you this morning...
'HelenNurseWaitress': And you're going to do me again when these guests of yours leave.
Audience: “OMFGGGGG brb”

Will: “So – vampires...” Dammit Tesla – now I'm not going to be able to focus – at all.
Nikola: Why do you think she's there – protege... “I'm just going to ignore you all and plot. Innocently. I did nothing. Seriously.”
Helen: “Oh genius – did you consider DEATH when going about your merry little plan?”
Nikola: “ . . . “
Helen: “Death is he last thing an immortal would think of.”
Nikola: Oh fuckity she's totally right. Stupid drug addled teenagers and their risk taking. “This first kid died driving his hyped up car waaaay too fast...?”
Will: “And then showed up two days later not dead.”
Helen: “Chad Smith I mean, 'Spencer'...”
Nikola: “Yes I remember him, Alfa Male type... God complex run rampant – not such a good idea now I think about it.”
Helen: “So – hypothetically, if you were to do this gene therapy on the protege, and I shot him...”
Will: “Heeeey...”
Director: “I told you regular heads would roll if you didn't behave...”
Audience: *wibble*
Nikola: “The vampire genes would kick in... Survival at all costs...”
Will: “Okay! Stop talking about me as an experiment – but – so – I would STILL come back to life, yes? And start rounding up a vampire army of my own?”
Nikola: *glare*
Helen: “And killing them – therefore triggering their vampire genetics...”
Will: “World domination – sweet....”
Nikola: *slams computer lid closed* “Little bastard!”
Will: *uh oh*
Nikola: “This was supposed to be MY PARTY. NO ONE HIJACKS NIKOLA TESLA!!!” *Sexy-arse coat flick*
Audience: *Cheer!!!
Will: "I'm dead..."
Director: "Act 3 Scene 2..."
Will: *wiiiiible*
 *   *   *
End of part one (of three)

we're marching onmyfloralbonnet on April 24th, 2010 12:55 am (UTC)
*giggles* Can't wait for Part 2!
Aislynn: Sanctuary - Helen smilesageless_aislynn on April 24th, 2010 01:26 am (UTC)
why are you all looking at me like you’re about to spray me with a misting bottle like a naughty kitten?

Heeeee! Total awesomeness and I can't wait for the next part! Fantastic work! \o/ ♥!
hobbit ・holmes: enigma  §  she's a rainbow.hobbit_hunter on April 24th, 2010 06:13 am (UTC)
Kazzie: kaz11sweetveritas on April 24th, 2010 08:05 am (UTC)
leoraine: deanSmileleoraine on April 24th, 2010 08:50 am (UTC)
ROFL! I just loved this and can't wait for the second part. Btw, you mentioned something similar for SG? Do you have any links? Or did you make more spoofs like this?
nikolat3sla: badvampnikolat3sla on April 24th, 2010 09:00 am (UTC)
((this is ellymelly))

omfg it took me a while to find them (having no recollection of them except them being hillarious lol)

They are the 'Stargate Breadbox Editions'

found here: http://www.stargate-sg1-solutions.com/episoderedux/breadbox/index.shtml#s7

here's an example one: http://www.stargate-sg1-solutions.com/episoderedux/breadbox/701bbe.shtml

hope this helps!!!!
leoraine: tonyWinkleoraine on April 24th, 2010 09:43 am (UTC)
OMG! Love it! Thanks so much! I'm off to read these gems, until you write the second part of Sleepers lol. Hugs and thanks a bunch!
mikasteelelell: Nikola_This_Wayoxbastetxo on April 24th, 2010 02:39 pm (UTC)
LOL! Silly woman! More!

Love it!!!
xiratania007: Needs more Tonguexiratania007 on April 25th, 2010 02:52 am (UTC)
Elly This is PURE GOLD!!! I LOVE IT!! I can't wait for the next part.
atatteredrose: THISatatteredrose on April 25th, 2010 08:46 am (UTC)
Made of win!! The "freaky fun-park-clown sneer" - I'm still giggling :)
Jennmidwifeonboard on April 25th, 2010 11:22 am (UTC)
LOL. Awesome.
y3lhsay3lhsa on May 11th, 2010 10:52 pm (UTC)
OMG, I haven't even read all of it and I'm LMAO! I love this, genius.