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17 June 2006 @ 06:08 pm
Things you DON'T want to see on an areoplane's log  
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget


15-Things to do at Wal-Mart while waiting for your spouse/partner who
is taking their time:

1) Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's cart when
they are not looking.

2) Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3) Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4) Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3
in House-wares" and see what happens.

5) Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6) Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7) Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you
will invite them in if they will bring pillows from the bedding
department.

Cool! When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask
"People; Why can you not just leave me alone?"

9) Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick
your nose.

10) While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

11) Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12) In the auto department, practice your "Madonna Look" using
different sized funnels.

13) Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME - PICK ME!"

14) When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the foetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It is those voices again!"

15) Go into a fitting room and shut the door, wait awhile and then
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to
make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I
politely
said,

"This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right
f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that
anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to
call
her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong'
number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're
an
arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word
'arsehole'
next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying
bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're an
arsehole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole'
calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from
the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
arsehole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back
window, so
I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had
his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I
asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow
house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I
asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you,
Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you
something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two
arseholes
to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.  "Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he
asked.
"Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you
live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now,
Don. And
you had better
start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
arsehole," and hung up.

Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, arsehole,
here's
your chance. I'm coming
over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying
that
I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over
there to
kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war
going
down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got
there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each
other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news
crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works
 
 
 
hypercazhypercaz on June 17th, 2006 06:38 am (UTC)
elly see what I posted on my journal! it stems from that convo we had last night...remember that... =D

and ^ that is freaky!!! I don't want to go on planes again...esp. Aerolineas Argentias.
ellymellyellymelly on June 17th, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
where they applaud because you made it over the sea? lol!
hypercazhypercaz on June 17th, 2006 06:51 am (UTC)
I'm making you a similar icon to the one I posted on my page, except with Rodders...

and yes that was scary. I never want to fly that airline EVER AGAIN. Freaked me out. Plus that goopy lasagne...ewwww
Bill: kiddingbilly_red_ocean on October 5th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)
we got that quite a while ago over our student network (in German). it's too funny, though I don't want to be near these "Scherzkecksen" (joker). lol