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29 April 2009 @ 10:27 pm
 
THINGS TO REMEMBER IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE IN AUSTRALIA

#1 If something bites/stings/claws/stabs or otherwise maims you and you're still alive in 15 minutes, you're going to be fine.
#2 Do not approach large bodies of water - no matter how tempting.
#3 Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it won't eat you.
#4 It's all true.
#5 Carry a large stick.
#6 Don't bother running.
#7 The North East Coast is NOT a holiday destination - it is Survival of the Fittest in action.
#8 Aeroguard won't protect you from mosquitos the size of airliners.
#9 Your house is not a safe zone.
#10 DO NOT CUDDLE THE WILDLIFE

 
 
 
ubiquitous_girlubiquitous_girl on April 29th, 2009 01:57 pm (UTC)
Word. ^.^
a particularly heartless line of binary code: i have no words no not even a littlecharlie_d_blue on April 29th, 2009 01:59 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*

You forgot #11: Dropbears, motherfucker.

;)
myinkyfingers: strangemyinkyfingers on April 29th, 2009 02:40 pm (UTC)
brilliant!!!!

awesome even... 'specially love #1

*cues in "Come to Australia" by The Sacred Weird Little Guys*
Tracy Janetjh102 on April 29th, 2009 02:50 pm (UTC)
*blink* Australia is definitely off my list of top holiday destinations. *toddles back off in the nice, safe UK*
this and that...alyssa22 on April 29th, 2009 03:19 pm (UTC)
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

How many times have you heard of dumb tourists deciding to ignore the warning signs, go for a swim and end up getting eaten by a croc?
Emmaaltitudeandwine on April 29th, 2009 07:05 pm (UTC)
#1 If something bites/stings/claws/stabs or otherwise maims you and you're still alive in 15 minutes, you're going to be fine.
*eyeroll*
It is not quite making me feel safe.
But then I live in a country where almost nothing bites/stings/claws/stabs of any consequences. Bees is about as bad as it can get :)

#2 Do not approach large bodies of water - no matter how tempting.
Large bodies of water in Oz?
Boasting, are we?
*ducks*

#3 Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it won't eat you.
That totally set my mind to rest.
*glare*

#6 Don't bother running.
Hah. Good. Finally some advice I like and can follow.

#10 DO NOT CUDDLE THE WILDLIFE
How about the natives...?

The governmental tourist information will send you a handsome check tomorrow. Just so you stop scaring of the tourist dollars :)

How come you got these sudden insight?
Are you adventuring in the North East Area?
hypercazhypercaz on April 29th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
hehe you forgot about being outflanked by poisonous jellyfish, to draw on the anecdotes of one David Hewlett.

...elllly, when are we ringing each other again? lol... can't do tonight (seeing Wolverine) but tomorrow?
norgco: pic#69772748norgco on April 30th, 2009 12:14 pm (UTC)
It's not that bad
Look. Dudes and Dudettes.

The poisonous jellyfish have only killed two people in the last century. One was using it as the volleyball in a beach volleyball game, the other had it draped over his arm while flicking it on the head with a finger because he wanted to show people the blue rings they only show when they are about to kill you. Yes, he knew it was a "stop or I WILL kill you!" warning and kept doing it anyway. Moron.


The croc's get someone every year or so but that's from ignoring the big signs with someone being eaten by a crocodile on them. Don't swim anywhere they have those posted and it's cool.

Feral pigs. Biggest killer on the continent, kill more people than sharks, snakes, poisonous octopi, poisonous spiders, and cassowaries (like and Ostrich, but insanely homicidal) put together. You will never see one anywhere tourists normally go. If you do, either run REALLY fast or have a light anti-tank weapon handy, because nothing short of that will stop one reliably from head on.

The poisonous spiders mainly have red backs, and hide under rocks, bark etc. Don't go flipping over things and, like most of these creatures, DON'T PISS THEM OFF DELIBERATELY! We lose more tourists that way...

Don't think of it as danger, think of it as evolution in action.
ellymelly: oops bug crashellymelly on April 30th, 2009 12:26 pm (UTC)
Re: It's not that bad
LMAO

australia's like evolution's little 'in-joke'.


inside of one month, (without trying) i came into close quarters with 4 of the deadliest snakes in the world, 3 incredibly angry and poisonous spiders, a wild bore pretending to be a steer, territorial magpies, seriously peeved orcas, a shark and a fleet of blue-bottles. oh, and a hyperschitzo chocolate wattle bat - inside the house. lol and a large - but non-dangerous tree snake. under my feet. at the computer.
norgconorgco on April 30th, 2009 12:37 pm (UTC)
Re: It's not that bad
So, it was a quiet month then.

Sounds a little boring but some people prefer it that way.

On the other hand zoologists explain that the Koala's survival strategy is "Sleep a lot and don't waste energy on a big brain."

Other countries get animal atheletes. We get Homer Simpson when it's not Hannibal Lecter.
ellymellyellymelly on April 30th, 2009 12:55 pm (UTC)
Re: It's not that bad
True. Mind you, can't blame the Koala's when life on the ground is so vicious.

I think the creature I hate most is the monitor lizard. seriously, we had one determined to clamber over the back fence with its huge claws and curved teeth and - well basically it just looked like a dinosaur coming in for the kill LOL probably best not to tell the tourists about them.

and lol - thank you for reminding me about the cassowaries - at least i don't have those! i don't think... better check.

norgconorgco on April 30th, 2009 01:07 pm (UTC)
Re: It's not that bad
How does the quote go:

"If you consider the wild life, it's not surprising Australia is lightly populated. What is surprising is that it is populated at all."
ellymellyellymelly on April 30th, 2009 01:23 pm (UTC)
Re: It's not that bad
where's that from? i'm sure i saw that heading a chapter in Tim Lowe's 'The New Nature'. :D
norgconorgco on April 30th, 2009 01:30 pm (UTC)
Re: It's not that bad
Not sure where it's from, just a quote someone I know uses.
xxthesentinelxx on May 6th, 2009 07:15 am (UTC)
O_O

I think I'll just avoid Australia all together!
ellymelly: making friendsellymelly on May 6th, 2009 07:19 am (UTC)
but the locals are friendly! lol

Edited at 2009-05-06 07:20 am (UTC)